fiction – Charlierobinsonbooks

Where It All Began 28

Sally and I had been running Night Owls, the largest Mobile Disco company in Yorkshire for five years. In the December of 2000 we had thirty mobile rigs in the store and had hired thirty five DJ’s. Christmas parties were at an all time high and we did 308 functions that December. We’d managed to get away a few times, visiting Kenya and Sri Lanka, but they were brief visits and I always felt disappointed when we left.

I was still running, completing several half marathons in a time of one and a half hours. I’d joined the local gym and taken up Kickboxing, but after two years, and in my forties, it was getting tough. One night I broke three ribs, which kinda hampered installing disco rigs, so I called it a day. The next challenge was to climb the National Three peaks in 36 hours with the boxing club.

We had a great time, but it got me to thinking. There was more to life.

Sally and I were at loggerheads, she fancied selling up and settling down with ordinary jobs. So inevitably we sold the business, paid my old bosses off and went our seperate ways, all very amicable and everyone happy. But I needed a plan, so as breather, I rented a small flat in Boston Spa and worked the night shifts for my old kickboxing instructor who owned a security business. That was fun, especially one night when I came across a guy in a lorry park, slitting open the side of a lorry with a knife. Sadly he managed to get away. I’d been single for a while and had two ideas for the future. One – Buy a smallholding in France from where I could get anywhere in Europe. Two – Rejoin the Foreign Legion if I could get away with lying about my age 😂 It was around this time I reconnected with Gillian. We’d met in 1990. I’d made a few moves on her at the time, but she was engaged and I was rebuffed 😂. After she married and Sally and I became an item, we all became close friends, but she’d divorced in 2000, and moved to Bracknell as Operation Manager of Oakley Court Hotel, which had been used for the Hammer House of Horrors back in the day. We got on famously, even though we were in different parts of the country. Eventually I moved to Bracknell and as a stopgap took a job as a Carpenters hand (labourer)

Surprisingly I enjoyed having a proper job and working on a constuction site. After six months I qualified as a Level 2 Site carpenter, a year later I took my Level 3 and the boss made me a foreman with my own site. Gillian and I married, and everything was hunky dory.

But there was something niggling at me and one day I saw an advert for Prison Officers to train and work at Feltham Young Offenders prison. TBC 😂

Happy Trails, Folks x.

I’ll Do It

Those three words have probably been the reason it took me twenty years to finish my first novel, there’s always someone, somewhere, wanting something, have you noticed that? If I’d ever had the misfortune to be caught up in a war, I’d more than likely be a hero or dead on the first day. It’s that moment when someone says “who’s willing to…?” You look round the room and all eyes are gazing downwards, bums shuffling uncomfortably on seats, or feet shuffling back and forth nervously. I’m not sure if I feel sorry for the person asking, or I’m just dumb. But uncontrollably, my hand shoots up. “I’ll give it a shot.”

It got me into trouble at school. You know when you’re in the playground with your peers and someone suggests setting the fire alarm off? After riotous laughter, followed by the aforementioned ground gazing, and uncomfortable shuffling, comes the question. “Who’s going to do it?” Yup, that was the second time I got caned. The first time was for calling the PE teacher a f****** bully, after he’d beaten one of us for not climbing the rope in the gym. C’mon! the kid must have weighed 12 stone, he was rotund, and I’m being kind, there was no way he could have climed that rope. The headmaster didn’t see it that way.

A reason I didn’t excel in sports at that particular school was because the PE teacher wouldn’t allow me to participate again until I apologised 😂That was never going to happen. So when I called from the bench, “I’ll do it, sir.” I got a contempuous sneer. Although he did relent the following winter for cross country running. I guess he thought I’d hate it. Once he had set us off running the 3 miles around Clock House fields, he’d retire to the boiler room for a cigarette, reappearing just as we finished. I can still see his expression when he saw me coming in first. “Take a shortcut, Robinson?” he’d shout in his sarcastic manner. So, I did what any normal person would do. I stopped, turned my back on him, ran back to where my rotund friend was, and trotted in with him. Apparently I was a, “Waste of space.” 😂.

All these years later I’m retired, all I really have to do these days is write and run. Life of Riley, eh? So, I asked myself this morning, how have I ended up in two running clubs. The cross country rep for one club and race director of a race. About to take a run leadership course, followed by a coaching course with another club, I’m in six WhatsApp Groups and on two committees? Yup, “I’ll do it!” I guess I’m lucky I’m not in an organised crime gang.

Happy Trails, Folks x

Wizard of Oz (again)

It appears there is no escaping this film around Christmas time. This year Castle Howard decided to use it as their annual theme, and as always it’s treat for the kids. (although there appeared to be more adults than children😉 )

Castle Howard was built over 300 years ago and took 100 years to complete. Most famously used as the setting for the film Brideshead Revisited an adaptation of Evelyn Waugh’s 1945 novel. But this year it was devoted to L.Frank Baum’s novel. The Wonderful Wizard of Oz. There were, in fact, 14 Oz books, but his first one, written in 1900, seems to get all the attention. After entering the Castle you are exposed to the semi- demolished home of Dorothy. (She’s already left on a tornado, Oz bound).

We then find ouselves in the Good Witch’s bedroom, because as you will remember, she’s the one who tells Dorothy to follow the Yellow Brick Road and find ole Wiz.

There’s quite a lot more going on that I’m kinda skipping around, it took two hours to get round and I’m sure you good folks need to get dinner on. So after meeting her various companions and hiking to Munchkin Land the Emerald City comes into view. Is it really green or is it a trick? Anyaways we had our photo taken under the Christmas tree

At last Dotty meets the Wizard, but we all know how that ended, don’t we?

But alas, Dot and her friends are being watched the evil eye under the command of the Wicked Witch sees all and a cunning plan is hatched. (you may scream if you feel the urge 😂)

But all’s well that ends well. C’mon…it was a childrens story. Dorothy’s pals get their wishes. I got to meet Glinda, Good Witch of the South and Dotty went home again… Whereas we went outside for a two hour drive home… Yay!

I think the Scarecrow was always my favourite, so I’ll leave you with some words of wisdom from the man himself. Happy Trails, Folks x

Why I Have No Hair

Well. I mean…if I had hair I would have pulled it out this week. But it was too long for a title. (not my hair) I wonder if anyone reading this has self published a paperback with Amazon. I did it seamlessley with my first book, The Siege of Mr Khan’s Curry Shop, but this one, Who’s Got The Biscuits, ‘Ay caramba’.

And this is why I hate AI… I suggested a man pulling his hair out image. Oh well, pay peanuts and you get monkeys. So, my friends back to the plot. With a paperback you take a manuscript and you set the Trim, the Margins etc… I won’t bore you with whole shenanigns, but for arguments sake let us pretend I did it to the letter. One week later the author’s copy arrives and the margins are wrong. Okay, submit the manuscript again, but this time use the Amazon Template. A week later the second author’s copy arrives, and it is wrong. Not only are the margins wrong but now there are no paragraph indents. I guess AI has something to do with it.

I considered prayer but I’m told there are about 3000 various Gods, and I’m never quite sure which one works. I guess you could pick one randomly, but then you’re denying 2999 others. Is that blasphemy? I know the COE, and I guess the Catholics believe in blasphemy but what about the others? Anyaways, I went for a run instead. I guess I’m probably a Pagan at heart, because that seemed to work, at least it gave me an idea. Start again.

This is when it gets interesting. Here begineth the third submission. The margins are still wrong, but I have several characters in the book. One is called Janine (sassy, sarcastic and loved by all, but no one will tell her 😂) Another character, Mohammed (not the dead prophet) he’s a bit gormless (not the prophet the character). The template decided to change both names to ‘I’. Not throughout the whole book, just randomly. i.e. another character says. “I’m going to get Janine back.” This became, “I’m going to get I back,”

After a zillion YouTube videos on how to format a manuscript, posing the question on Amazon KDP community, because I began to think I was a bit dumb, I was no further and getting nowhere. So, I went for another run 😂

It was on this freezing, wet, cold run that I decided to start again, again. I went through the whole document, took out all the “I’s” and put in the original names. I discounted the Amazon margin guidelines and super duper hi-tec methods. I took a ruler, a paperback from my bookshelf which had the same page count as my book, and used the ancient method of measuring. 😂

Wow, I stand corrected AI got this one right 😉

Eurika! the margins are great, there are no more people called “I” and the paragraph indents are spot on, so from ebook to paperback in three weeks. Of course by the time I finish my next book I will have forgotten all about this adventure and probably repeat every step. Oh the joys of getting old 😂

Happy Trails, folks x