Why I Have No Hair

Well. I mean…if I had hair I would have pulled it out this week. But it was too long for a title. (not my hair) I wonder if anyone reading this has self published a paperback with Amazon. I did it seamlessley with my first book, The Siege of Mr Khan’s Curry Shop, but this one, Who’s Got The Biscuits, ‘Ay caramba’.

And this is why I hate AI… I suggested a man pulling his hair out image. Oh well, pay peanuts and you get monkeys. So, my friends back to the plot. With a paperback you take a manuscript and you set the Trim, the Margins etc… I won’t bore you with whole shenanigns, but for arguments sake let us pretend I did it to the letter. One week later the author’s copy arrives and the margins are wrong. Okay, submit the manuscript again, but this time use the Amazon Template. A week later the second author’s copy arrives, and it is wrong. Not only are the margins wrong but now there are no paragraph indents. I guess AI has something to do with it.

I considered prayer but I’m told there are about 3000 various Gods, and I’m never quite sure which one works. I guess you could pick one randomly, but then you’re denying 2999 others. Is that blasphemy? I know the COE, and I guess the Catholics believe in blasphemy but what about the others? Anyaways, I went for a run instead. I guess I’m probably a Pagan at heart, because that seemed to work, at least it gave me an idea. Start again.

AI’s interpretation of a great idea 🤷

This is when it gets interesting. Here begineth the third submission. The margins are still wrong, but I have several characters in the book. One is called Janine (sassy, sarcastic and loved by all, but no one will tell her 😂) Another character, Mohammed (not the dead prophet) he’s a bit gormless (not the prophet the character). The template decided to change both names to ‘I’. Not throughout the whole book, just randomly. i.e. another character says. “I’m going to get Janine back.” This became, “I’m going to get I back,”

After a zillion YouTube videos on how to format a manuscript, posing the question on Amazon KDP community, because I began to think I was a bit dumb, I was no further and getting nowhere. So, I went for another run 😂

It was on this freezing, wet, cold run that I decided to start again, again. I went through the whole document, took out all the “I’s” and put in the original names. I discounted the Amazon margin guidelines and super duper hi-tec methods. I took a ruler, a paperback from my bookshelf which had the same page count as my book, and used the ancient method of measuring. 😂

Wow, I stand corrected AI got this one right 😉

Eurika! the margins are great, there are no more people called “I” and the paragraph indents are spot on, so from ebook to paperback in three weeks. Of course by the time I finish my next book I will have forgotten all about this adventure and probably repeat every step. Oh the joys of getting old 😂

Happy Trails, folks x

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Author: Charlie

They say I’m retired. Huh. I prefer to say I now work for myself. I published a debut novel a couple of years ago and I’m just doing a final read through of a sequel. There’s another book finished which was a collaboration but that’s hit snags. So, it looks like The Siege of Mr Khan’s Curry Shop Part 2 will be published first. For my sins I am a Yorkshireman, albeit well travelled, but back home in God’s own country now. I run, cycle, swim and drink Red Wine. If you want to know anything else just ask.

8 thoughts on “Why I Have No Hair”

  1. Fun week, Charlie. 😀 I’ve had some issues with some of my print books too, but only with the covers. Nothing like what you and poor Janine experienced. When it comes to the text, I use the same template doc for all the books, just replace the text, make the occasionally necessary tweaks, save it as pdf, and so far it worked well. For my first print book, however, I remember trying out various options and printing them to have a realistic idea of what they might look like before choosing one.
    By the way, I finished reading “Who’s Got the Biscuits” and it did not disappoint. I’ll post the review in a few days. 🙂

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    1. I take it the template is yours, Ana? I recieved the D2D version today and it is perfect. I’m convinced the KDP template hates me 😂 Thank you for the review (in advance) x

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      1. Yes, I created my own print and e-book templates. Nothing fancy, but they help save some time… and hair pulling. 😉
        KDP does feel pretty hateful at times. 😀 So far, D2D has been a lot more user-friendly and I find the Smashwords ebook formatting style guide very helpful.

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      2. Good idea to have your own template. I’ve made a note of trim, margin sizes for a 300 ish book. All I have to is put them in next time and check all the paragraph marks, but maybe a template would be quicker lol. Yeah, I find the D2D paperback is far more aesthetic than KDP 😀

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  3. Oh wow – I’m glad for you to have figured it out! At the end of the day, nothing beats a bit of human brainy-ness. Ya know, as for those 3,000 gods and the blasphemy – paganism of it all, that’s why I tend to look towards The Universe as a Whole. Whomever shows up for work that day and wants to take my call, awesome, big thanks, but in times like this, a bit of nature really can do the mind & soul some good.

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